14 years…

It’s been 14 years. FOURTEEN years! that is just under half my life.
Which means, you have almost been gone for longer than you were here. That’s pretty weird. Some days it feels like just yesterday. Other days it feels like a lifetime ago.

I remember so clearly saying goodbye to you before you went on holiday. I never expected it to be goodbye forever. And 2 weeks later … and then… I remember so clearly, we were standing on the back stoep, your brother coming to tell us they had switched off the machines keeping you alive. Alive, but that’s it. All the bones in your face were broken, there was no brain activity. He asked me if I was ok. He said your mom was really worried about me. I smiled an nodded. 1 day and week week before my fifteenth birthday. It would be my first birthday ever without you, my best friend forever, there. The first of many birthdays without you. Without a best friend.


wow. fourteen years. It’s a lifetime. Literally.

I miss you. Not as much as I used to. I think about you often. Wonder what you would be doing. Would you have gone on to be a social worker like you wanted? Would you have kids? Be married? Would we still be friends?

I often often think about everything we got up to! Remember when I caught your chicken pox coz i refused to stay away from you!? Remember how we suspended a matchbox between your bedroom window and mine, and sent each other notes? Remember that time we decided we would “morse code” each other with our torches every night before we went to bed. And if something was wrong we would do the S.O.S. thing… and one night i did… just to see what would happen… you were at my window in the blink of an eye.

Remember camping in the garden… and tea parties with tennis biscuits and Oros? Remember the Christmas plays we put on for our parents? And the tree house we built! And the Big Fat Tree with the hairy worms in!? I wonder if our Time Capsule is still in the Duck House…? Remember all our sleep overs and talking about boys? Sneaking onto the roof and watching the stars. Whistling at the boys from the complex over the road. Climbing trees and carving our initials into the branches.

I have so many memories of you. Those 14 and a half years are packed full. Full. Full. Full.

Forest Families, Magic Diaper Babies, Barbies, My Little Ponies, Sticklebrix.

I still panic when driving on a dirt road. I hold my breath and cling onto the car until my knuckles are white. I still shed a tear everytime I drive past a car accident. And say a quick prayer for those involved, and their families and the paramedics and ambulances. I still feel my heart clench when I see that helicopter outside Unitas.

I still have all those little clay ornaments from your printers tray. The cat in the basket, the piggy on the rainbow towel, that cute little mouse. They were the only things I took when your room was cleared out.

19 April 1997.

14 years.


Comments (3)

GinaApril 24th, 2011 at 9:50 pm


AngelApril 25th, 2011 at 9:54 pm

What glorious memories! Big squishes!

The Jackson FilesApril 26th, 2011 at 5:00 pm

This is so sweet and so sad at the same time. I read it ages ago on my reader, sorry I am only commenting now.

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