Weird Head Space

Who thought I would ever be writing *this* blogpost.

You know what has been on my mind for most of my waking hours over the last month or so? Kids. Babies. Offspring.

No, I don’t one.

Ever since I was old enough to realise a baby is not a pretty doll, I have never really wanted kids. I went through a stage where i was REALLY against having kids at all… and then i warmed up slightly thinking it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. Then I didn’t want them, then it wouldn’t be so bad etc etc. I thought that by the time I was old enough, and married, I would have it figured out. One way or another. I thought my biological clock would have kicked in.

And now I’m old. well, I’m 30. and I’m married. And I don’t have it figured out. My clock is not ticking.

I like to sleep late. I like to not get up in the night. I like not having to clean wee, poo and puke. I like never having to wipe snot away. I like being able to spend what little money I have on myself. I like not having to visit doctors. I like not having to share my chocolate. I like not having toys all over my house (well, there are some dog toys). I like that I can totally skip that one aisle in the supermarket. I like not having children.

So why the “dilemma” … well, basically, I am really worried that in 10 years time I am going to regret not having kids.

You know the saying “In 20 years time you will regret the things you didn’t do more than those you did”.

Of course, I probably won’t regret having kids. No one does. Or at least, no one says they do. Coz it’s not socially acceptable to talk about stuff like that. Well, that, and people probably don’t really regret having the little wee/snot/poo machines.

 

Then, some days I think it could be quite cool having a kid or two. It would make us feel  more like a proper family unit. Not just two people, you know? Like, being married hasn’t changed our relationship at all. I was talking to Peter about it the other day and I asked him if he thought of me as his family. And he asked me the same question. And while I do think of him as my absolute everything… When I think of “My Family” I see my mom, dad, brother and sisters and my 5 nephews. And in the background I see my aunt and a few cousins. I don’t immediately think of Peter as my FAMILY – does that make sense? I want to though – and the thought of having a kid makes me feel like that will make us a family.

Not to mention the general social pressure.

I think it would be quite fun to do all the fun stuff I see the Twitter Mommies doing with their kids – going to ballet practice, baking fairy cupcakes, swimming lessons, going to a scratch patch. Planning fairy or dragon birthday parties. Being the supportive parent who is so proud of the finger painting, or whatever.

But I just don’t know if I’m cut out for that. And I guess there is only one way to find out. But I don’t know if I want to find out. I don’t think I do. But I don’t want regret.

I wish this was easier and more clear cut. I wish I didn’t think about this all the time. The thought actually gives me heart palpitations. In a OMG I’m terrified kinda way.

 

*EDIT* I should also have mentioned that when I was born, my parents were 38 and 42… my siblings were 12, 16 and 18 years old. My parents have always been “old” and I was raised as an only child. Because of this, I know what it is like having old parents. I am not a huge fan. Yes, there are pro’s to it … but in all honesty, I think there are more con’s especially for the child. I also don’t think being an only child is a good thing (sorry Alida :p ) and I wouldn’t want to have just one child. I don’t think it’s fair on the kid. Which brings me to the point that, having 2 kids would ideally take 3-5 years… which if i got going NOW would take me to 34/35 years old when the 2nd one would be born… which is pretty old. imo**

 

Comments (8)

GinaFebruary 22nd, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Thinking about becoming a parent is terrifying, no matter if you thought you would never have kids or if you knew you would have a dozen of them.
Kids change everything!
Mostly for the better, sometimes though not for the better.
Biggest piece of advice, you both need to be on the same page! You both need to be committed (even if you are both terrified).
Parenting is hard, anyone who says otherwise is a liar, but the rewards are amazing.
Also, yes, you are 30 but that doesnt mean you have to have a kid in 9 months time or else, even if your biological clock runs out of batteries you can adopt, surrogate, IVF, so many options for having kids later…. just a thought.

alidaonlineFebruary 23rd, 2012 at 11:49 am

Well you know we share a similar boat on this although I haven’t quite gotten to the do-I-don’t-I stage yet. I have no idea about parenting. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Fresca.

What I can tell you though is that I was a complete, unplanned surprise. My mom was 42 and my dad was 51 and they weren’t exactly planning on having kids at all. My mum was advised to terminate because in the 80s one did not have children at that age. Mum thought about it and (obviously) decided to take the chance and went to see the doc far more regularly than most pregnant ladies do and a huge healthy baby was born.

From my point of view, growing up was awesome. My parents had travelled and had their careers and they were settled and all they wanted to do was spend time with their kiddie [insert only-child-spoiled-brat comment here]. On the down side though, now my parents are a lot older than parents of other people my age which brings with it a bit more responsibility on my behalf whereas others will only need to worry about that kind of thing later on. Both of them have told me that it would have been nice to have had me when they were younger but knowing how hard raising a kiddie is, they are glad they got to do things they wanted to do before I came along.

So … I’m not much help. I have met people who absolutely did not want to have kids but did because every family has a house, kids and a pet and they are really really not satisfied with life so what Gina says about being committed and ready is so important.
Being a parent means being very selfless.

The one thing I do know (in this rather long comment of things I don’t know) is that the whole social pressure thing shouldn’t be a factor at all. You are who you are and Peter is who he is and when and if you both want to have kids that’s the right time. You can’t plan your life according to someone else’s body clock.

alidaonlineFebruary 23rd, 2012 at 11:53 am

Good grief … It looks like I was trying to write a book.

adminFebruary 23rd, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Have added the *EDIT* bit as a response to this. My parents were also old and I was also (brought up as) an only child… I am not much of a fan of either.

AngelFebruary 24th, 2012 at 8:02 am

I think the kakkest part of trying to make this decision is that you don’t have forever to do so…
It is a biological fact that when a woman hits 35 her chances of falling pregnant are almost halved, and they decline rapidly after that. Yes, women have babies after 35, but it gets harder, the risks are higher, and you are more likely to need some kind of medical intervention to succeed.
I never wanted *more* children after I had the knucklehead (and had I not fallen pregnant by accident I most likely wouldn’t have had him either), but when I fell in love with my Glugster it became something I wanted dearly- and still do- but we have had to learn to live with the fact that its not going to happen for us.
In all honesty, it never occurred to me that it could be a problem since the women in our family seem born to breed! And before my Glugs and I spoke about it I had never even tracked my cycle!

AngelFebruary 24th, 2012 at 8:03 am

Okay well that was no help at all… Sorry T! *sheepish grin*

MadeleinMarch 16th, 2012 at 12:25 pm

There is no right or wrong asnwer here. Think to yourself what would you do right now if you fell pregnant unexpectedly, and let that feeling guide you.

adminApril 11th, 2012 at 2:03 pm

@Madelein – what would i do if i unexpectedly fell pregnant right now!? OMG! I would have a total panic attack and probably cry for at least 3 days solid. And then I would go out and buy those FLIPPING CUTE babygrows with giraffes and kittens and fat baby hippos on them. And those teeny tiny long sleeved vest all-in-one jobs. I’d probably then lay them out on the bed, maybe try one or two of them on my dogs… and then cry for a few more days! LOL.
oh, and i’d eat a lot of chocolate. and probably puke a lot too.

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